Kat Dennings

oh good

When it rains, it pours, spider-wise. And I'm so glad because I was worried that I might start enjoying my life, you know? Anyway, tonight during a Netflix Instant screening of an embarrassingly 90s teen romcom I stumbled blindly into my bathroom mirror to inspect my facial situation when what should appear in my shower but a GIGANTIC ARACHNID. And it was just far enough away in the corner that it was going to have to be one of those get-on-all-fours terminations that I always find especially hideous. Therefore, I calmly and gracefully weighed my murdering options. 

Option 1: Clorox

Yes, Clorox, which I had employed on my shower floor not 8 hours earlier suddenly became a powdery instrument of death. I dumped a large blue amount in the corner, knocking Wiggles to the ground. Sigh.

Option 2: Water

Obbviously. On went the shower and a lot of general sloshing happened but Wiggles had obviously graduated from Water University with a degree in Survival so it didn't do much for anybody.

Option 3: Force

By this time I was pretty upset and Freddie Prinze Jr. was realizing he really loved her in the background and so it was business time. Desperate flailing. Last breaths. Limb lossage...and the spider wasn't doing well either. 

Aftermath: Guilt

After Wiggles wiggled into spider heaven I, shirt soaked, glasses fogged, CROSSED MYSELF and said "aahhhhh I'm sorry" over and over to the black and white tile of the universe. And then I realized I don't know how to correctly cross myself and it all got a little depressing.

Moral:

I'm craaaazy

I'll tell you when I've had enough

Dear My Couch:

As you are most likely aware, I did a bit of spring cleaning this morning. I did some laundry, made the bed, Swiffered the crap out of the fireplace and Windexed all the damn mirrors. And I was feeling pretty good about it all until YOU decided to house a spider colony and ruin my life when I came over for some innocent pillow sprucing. It is YOU, Couch, that makes me feel unsafe in my own home. Don't think I didn't hear you chortle as I did my patented "Pre-Murder Spider Regret Dance". 

Thanks for nothing.

Love,

Kat

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Yes, that happened. I've been wondering why my life has been so pleasant lately...I haven't had a spider attack in months. Months, you know? How nice for me. And now I'm going to quell my anxiety by watching a film concerning Daniel Day Lewis and English accents.

seedy