oh good

When it rains, it pours, spider-wise. And I'm so glad because I was worried that I might start enjoying my life, you know? Anyway, tonight during a Netflix Instant screening of an embarrassingly 90s teen romcom I stumbled blindly into my bathroom mirror to inspect my facial situation when what should appear in my shower but a GIGANTIC ARACHNID. And it was just far enough away in the corner that it was going to have to be one of those get-on-all-fours terminations that I always find especially hideous. Therefore, I calmly and gracefully weighed my murdering options. 

Option 1: Clorox

Yes, Clorox, which I had employed on my shower floor not 8 hours earlier suddenly became a powdery instrument of death. I dumped a large blue amount in the corner, knocking Wiggles to the ground. Sigh.

Option 2: Water

Obbviously. On went the shower and a lot of general sloshing happened but Wiggles had obviously graduated from Water University with a degree in Survival so it didn't do much for anybody.

Option 3: Force

By this time I was pretty upset and Freddie Prinze Jr. was realizing he really loved her in the background and so it was business time. Desperate flailing. Last breaths. Limb lossage...and the spider wasn't doing well either. 

Aftermath: Guilt

After Wiggles wiggled into spider heaven I, shirt soaked, glasses fogged, CROSSED MYSELF and said "aahhhhh I'm sorry" over and over to the black and white tile of the universe. And then I realized I don't know how to correctly cross myself and it all got a little depressing.

Moral:

I'm craaaazy

Comments

[winkle]

Jesus Kat you're doing this so much you're going pro! Look at all the methods that go through your mind when you see your next beastly foe. You could be like that one punk rock exterminator guy and get your own show on discovery after a few more years of this.

Also, I was flipping channels in the middle of the night a week ago and stopped at the Disney channel and said "wait is that KAT??" Scream Team was on, I'd never even heard of that, it was actually pretty funny. That was my first random Kat tv sighting.

Btw check your gmail and find and read my poem that I made you! Doooo it!

[Robby]

She's all that, huh? Good thing the spider distracted you from that whole Julia Roberts-Pretty Woman line...too bad it couldn't be during that hacky sack scene...

The Real Moral:

Spiders are good for something, i guess...

[Presto]

That was rather entertaining, cheers for the crazy woman hahah poor spider never had a chance.

[Stefan Hayden]

I just had a big spider battle in the bathroom last night as well. I just kept hoping I was not under some sort of dennings spider curse as well.

[Anthony]

bugs are on the attack, i swear!!!!! i was attacked by a GINORMOUS centipede like thing that, when it ran off the top of the door frame, hit the ground with a sound that make it sound like something about 10 times larger. and it was really really really fast too!!!! *shudders* we all need to arm ourselves with cans of raid and the correct crossing methods at all times.

[Dakotadrawn]

The spider armies are amassing! The coup has begun. Rank and file they march upon your domicile. Get out while you still can Kat!
P.S. Crazy in a uniquely glorious manner :)

[Derryk]

i think you may need to call the exterminator. you have a spider problem. first the couch now the shower. you know its really creepy to know that you could be asleep while they are crawling around your bed....gross.plus it takes only one spider to lay 30 eggs. do the math. you could die....im not sure how...but spiders are no bueno.

[tinaearls87]

oh Kat! that was just HELLLLARIIOUSS im sorry that spidres just seem to LOVE you haha. This made me laugh so hard tears spilled out. I like that you named him Wiggles hahahhaha.

[Robbity]

Hey Kat you were in The House Bunny, I live in a house and my housemate has a bunny (its a cat called bunny, guess what she wanted) therefore I feel we have made a connection. A good old fashioned 'dont call the cops on me' connection.

Three surefire(?) ways to kill spiders...

1. Throw a shoe at them from long range and hope to God that it makes a swift and true connection. Which it almost never does. Ever.

2. Have a friend kill it. They will the do that whole "Uh oh im gonna drop it on you as I walk outside with it" joke that was never funny. Ever.

3. Ridicule that arachnid with harsh remarks about its weight that will make it develop low self esteem. Tell it that its going nowhere in life and that it never made a real connection with anybody and that sometimes I feel like im suffocating on the lack of meaning in this excuse for an existence! Er...Then shoo it into a glass and let it go outside. Ever.

Ohhh, the cats name is Buddy. Ive been calling it Bunny for over six months. Buddy...stupid name for a cat.

[Peter]

That was slathered in awesome sauce.

[ilariacapasso]

Ok how to cross yourself? forehead-chest-left-right...
so it's raining here a lot (oklahoma) and all these spiders and other bugs are invading my house and the other day this huge roach got in to die by my couch, but thank to the almighty power of the pest control it died soon thereafter. unfortunately, the spiders that crawl on the ceiling do not die that easily. yeah it's not so nice when you go to bed and see a baby feedleback crawling...with consequent war of "kill the spider on the ceiling or i'm not gonna sleep".thanks for the blog!

[Jonny Mnemonic]

I dislike the jumping spiders. they are more scary seeing as they follow your every movement and can pounce on you in a blink of an eye

[def_mike]

Fire:

Usually not the safest, but rather cool when executed properly. Can of Hair Spray and a open flame. Homemade flame thrower. Again, very dangerous, but if mastered it can be very effective.

I had the same problem yesterday, but the little guy decided to set up shop in my trash can. He was a fighter, took me a bit but he is toast.

[Antonio Ramirez Castellanos]

Spider killer! meh :p

[Demi S.]

This is great! Hahah, i have spider problems all the time. I think the good ol' squish of the shoe works good for me. Although, the guilt does catch up with you later. :-)

ps--You looked amazing on the cover of Nylon! -random.

[Will]

Oh the guilt...
I always feel bad too after I toasted one of those beasts, because what if his friends find out about what I did, decide to take revenge and before I know it there's a little army of spiders in my shower yelling "Vengeance!" in that high pitched voice I always imagine when I wonder what a spider's voice would sound like?
Phew, long sentence.

But I have to honestly say that I find Freddie Prince Jr. even more hideous than your little bathroom spider.

[Dakota Hallman]

you just cant get a break from the spiders can ya i hate myself lol thinking of you always

dakota

[Dakota Hallman]

i left out the word them lol sorry about that

[Tiff]

She's All That AND an encounter with a disgusting spider? Wow, I'd rather be in prison than have to deal with either of those two. Anyways, I always find the best spider killing technique is making my roommate kill them. I really don't think the can of hairspray and the flame is the best way to go. My friend did that about a year ago because an army of approximately 2342 spiders had set up camp right above his front door. He started his porch on fire. I can say the spiders didn't come back, though.

[Andy Floyd]

When my wife was in grad school for chem she once killed a spider using liquid nitrogen.

To hear her tell the story is epic.

[Jon]

Liquid nitrogen? Wow. That is a cool way to get rid of the varmints. (I hear it works pretty well on Jehovah's Witnesses, too.)

Kat, it sounds like it's time to get the Rid-Ex guy (or some reasonable facsimile), well before you have to call a government hazmat team and definitely before you torch your apartment in a good-bad sitcom sort of way. (Please refer to such classics as "Married With Children" and the Farmer Al episode.)

Why is it I have a feeling that Kat v. The Spiders is going to be a recurring theme in her book?

Take it easy, and good luck.

[Sara AKA Wiggles]

This is Sara the spider, or as Kat calls me, "Wiggles". I am happy to announce that I am recovering at East Spider Memorial and as soon as my leg replacement takes, I will be back to my spider duties, but I swear I will not step one of my eight legs back in your home. You are a spiders worst fear!

P.S. I may or may not have laid an egg sack in or around your shower head. In the event that I did, you will have about a thousand little wiggles emerging soon.
Just a heads up.

[me]

first spray some hairspray on them like the extra hold kinda cause then they get all stiff. it works pretty good on bees. i cant imagine it wont work on spiders.
or you can just get someone to bomb your house with pest control.

second, i had to laugh at gofug yourself....because it is so true. not that i want to punch you in the face but if i saw demi lavato or tom cruise...well mostly oprah cause i hate that bitch...i would be like fuck i want to punch them in the throat. cause the face is too wimp.
i think the clothing choice and pose of the pic was a bad choice i thought that since i saw that cover. sorry to piss you off more. your too cute to do shitty mags.

[Marina]

um, you're my favourite.

the end.

[timbo]

I saw She's All That pop up on the new movies list just last night, so when I read this was like ah HAH!

The easiest way to get rid of bugs with conscience intact is to grab a plastic cup and a slightly stiff piece of paper, like maybe a piece of junk mail or a manila folder. Bugs for some reason never dodge a plastic cup, maybe because they don't sense it because it won't squish them. Plop down the cup, slide the paper underneath, and then run outside, empty it in the bushes, and then run inside. You may insert screaming or squealing between or during any of these steps and the whole thing will still work pretty well. Or you could get your hands on some liquid nitrogen, because that does sound pretty bad ass XD